I’ve been depressed for the longest time but it’s not something that many people know because I’ve never really talked about it. People would always say things like “Oh you’re so happy”, but little did they know, that I was not.
So, what is depression? Depression is defined as ” A state of feeling sad; marked by feelings of hopelessness, inactivity and dejection”. I remember feeling depressed at 18 because my life wasn’t where I wanted it to be. I felt so hopeless. I would sleep all day and wake up at 4 pm at times.
At one point, I even tried cutting myself. I had thoughts of killing myself daily. At church or around my friends I would pretend as if I was fine but I wasn’t. Fast forward to 2012 when things became worse.
That year, my mom had a manic episode. She had just come home from church in hysterics which was very baffling. We really weren’t expecting that, at all. My mom had never displayed any signs of mental illness, so to see her behaving like that was a shock to my system. My dad called the pastor and he came and prayed for her and she eventually calmed down and went to sleep. We had no idea what to do so we left her for a bit.
On my birthday, I went shopping with my best friend and then she decided to come home with me because I had plans to go to dinner later. When I came home, my mom didn’t know who I was so she started cursing at me and told my best friend to get out because we were lesbians. She then proceeded to run after my friend and I, so my friend decided to leave. After my friend left my mom tried to run after me as well so I ran to my room and locked it. I waited until she was calm and then I left the house and went to the Mcdonalds washroom to change for my dinner. I didn’t want to disappoint my friends and the only person who knew what was going on was my best friend. I was really sad and scared. The next day, I told my dad that something had to be done because my mom was only getting worse. To sum it all up, my mom was taken to the hospital by police escorts and diagnosed with Paranoid schizophrenia. I was really sad during that time. I didn’t want to live. I felt the lowest of low. The person who I knew to be my mom was no longer there. I was devastated. I felt like my world was over.
I didn’t actually start feeling better, until 2 years ago. A friend of mine, invited me out, to a movie called ” Collateral Beauty”. In it, the main character loses his daughter and he just stops living, but then, some of his friends came up with a plan to help him get better. One quote that stood out to me was ” Just be sure to notice the collateral beauty. It’s the profound connection to everything”. This made me think about everything that I had been through and that I had a purpose in life. It taught me to never give up on myself. Did I have depressive episodes after that and did my mom have manic episodes after that? Absolutely, but I learned to fight through the feelings.
Here are some tips that helped me to fight my depression
- Be active- Whenever I feel depressed I like to go for a run. Running clears my head and helps me feel less sluggish. I run for 15 mins and do other exercises to get my blood pumping. Do what you can.
- Don’t Isolate yourself- I used to isolate myself all the time whenever I felt depressed but I realized it only made me feel worse. Confide in a friend, or, when your friends invite you out, don’t say no. You’ll feel a little better trust me, I know.
- Do things that you once liked to do- If you once liked to draw, go draw. Sitting on the couch doing nothing will only make you feel worse.
The point of this blog post is to share my story and let you know that there is hope. You can survive depression. I am not a victim, I’m a Survivor! Hope this helps someone out there.
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